It was one of those days where I spent all day mopping, vacuuming, cooking (which I loathe), and doing laundry. I even made the time to organize my husbands underwear and sock drawer. (Bonus points!) Feeling pretty good about myself, I went to the local flower store to buy some fresh flowers, lit some candles, shaved my legs, and set the house up for a romantic dinner for two.
And then it happened.

He comes in the front door, says hi, gives me a kiss on the cheek, plops down on the couch and numbs out on his phone. My blood pressure skyrocketed in about 1.2 seconds and I was mad … furious! … and ready to throw my homemade cornbread at him. Doesn’t he know how hard I worked to clean our home? Doesn’t he get that I’m exhausted and would love to be on my phone too? I even cooked and I hate cooking. Is he even going to notice that I set the mood just perfectly so that we could connect and have a romantic dinner which will probably lead into sex… the thing he wants all the time?

We clean.
We cook.
We run errands.
We take care of the kids.
We pay bills.
We schedule the doctors appointments.
We volunteer at the kids school.
We make sure that we celebrate grandma’s 80th birthday.
We plan the date nights.
We do a lot and are usually the glue that holds our family together.

I’m not saying that men are lazy, because that’s far from the truth, but what I am saying is that women often feel like their husband doesn’t appreciate all that they do.

I know you ladies have been there too… you did something special or went out of your way and it went unnoticed. And boy does that hurt to the core. For years I allowed my frustrations to get the best of me but I have come to some realizations that I want to share with you all. These aren’t just quick tips or suggestions, they really do work if you want them too.
Focus on his positives

If you see dirty dishes in the sink, your mind will start a downward spiral of all the other ways he hasn’t helped you around the house. Instead, focus on what he does do. Turn those negative thought stories into positive ones. Make a list of things you love and appreciate about him. For bonus points, share the list with him and then say, “Thank you.”

Recognize that you have different expectations

I expect the house to be a certain way but that doesn’t mean he has the same expectations.  It’s okay and even normal to have different expectations when it comes to the house, communication, the kids, and even sex. You’re two different people with different backgrounds, talents, opinions, and personalities.

Work on yourself

Every wife I’ve ever coached has admitted that they give everyone else their firsts and rarely, if ever, make time for themselves. This is a dangerous place to be. A healthy woman makes a happy wife, and a patient mom, and a loyal friend, and is an inspiration to her community.

Some ways to invest in yourself:
Have a spa day

Yep, my answer to many of my problems. Spending an entire day or even a half day at a spa forces you to relax, rest, recharge, and clear your mind. Often times you can get a day pass and skip out on the massage/facial and enjoy the amenities the spa has to offer.

Join our women’s mentor group

Three times a year we host an online women’s group called A Beautiful Mess. Those who join will have dedicated life coaches that will encourage you, hold you accountable, check in on you and your progress, and always love and accept the messy you. This group is for women that want to forgive from wounds of the past, have a safe place to be messy and authentic without judgment, and who want to find that balance in life. Learn more about A Beautiful Mess here.

Take a walk
Honestly I walk and talk out loud (many of my neighbor think I’m crazy but I don’t care).  I go through my day, sort my thoughts, process, pray, and sometimes I’m just silent and soak up nature. Giving myself this time has been life changing for me in more ways than one. It’s a very healthy habit to start for yourself and it’s free.
Marriage365 Challenge
Ladies, I want to hear from you. What are some ways that you invest in yourself to make sure that you’re happy and healthy? Comment below to inspire more women!

 


 

Written by Meygan Caston

Marriage365 Meygan Caston

 

Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in sunny Southern California with her husband Casey, their two children and dog Hobie. She loves her family, the beach, writing, spa days and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life long dream is to live with the Amish for a month, walk the Camino and have lunch with Brené Brown.

 

 

13 thoughts

  • Sharon

    Wow that’s so true in my life and I don’t put myself even third on the schedule. I hope I can figure out how to let things go and put effort into me. I keep praying for that lightbulb to make me a priority and get the positive back in my relationship

  • Ashley lucas

    I find investing in myself hard. It’s time consuming to find a sitter to watch the kids just so I can find time for myself. I would love a walk alone once a day, or heck I would take once a week but again, who’s going to watch the kids? My husband doesn’t understand why I need time to myself so he won’t watch them.
    I have had a gift certificate in my cupboard for a local spa for over two years now that I have been dying to use….
    So, I get up early sometimes when I want quiet time to myself before the kids are up. Just for a few min of peace. Even though I’m sacrificing sleep (which is precious when you have a 3 month old) it’s nice to have a few min here and there to think and pray.

  • Ellen

    My husband and I both work for large corporations and have demanding careers. I have always been the type of person that neve rnags my husband for helping out with chores. I just don’t need him to for me to feeel fulfilled. Where I have issues, is I work 11-15 hours days, regularly, do everything around the house, and then when we finally get a second to just watch a show on the couch, etc., he falls asleep. I get so defensive because for me, I have busted my hump all day and worked, and he doesn’t even care to spend time with me. It cuts me to my core and I don’t know why I take it so hard, but I do. My husband is 99% perfect and supportive and we have an amazing relationship. The only problem is this and it seems to be a big one for me. I wish I could just not care about the house and just chill the way he does. Not sure what the right response is but the whole “you can only change yourself and not others,” doesn’t seem to be helping. The more I put in, the less he does and I think it’s my fault, but I have no idea what to do to fix it.

  • Anonymous

    My husband makes a very good living, yet he expects me to work to pay my “own” bills. I don’t have a problem with working, but it breaks my heart that when my husband sees me mentally and physically exhausted…he isn’t affected. I work 10 hour days, come home cook, clean, and tend to my children. He just sits on his computer posting things on FB. It bothers me because his ex wife never worked. She was a Stay at home mom. I guess he thinks I deserve this exhausting life because my kids are not biologically his. He spends an excessive amount of time on his leisure activities (he is a runner), and I can’t manage to squeeze in 1 hour for a manicure. I was raised in a traditional home, where my mother tended to the home, and the kids. I always feel like I can’t put 100% into anything because my time is so divided. I guess a clean home, good meals, and a relaxing environment for all kids , isn’t a priority to him. Sometimes I think if be better off alone, since I already function as if I am.

  • Anonymous

    This type of advice shifts all the burden of responsibility to the woman and men continue to get away with doing whatever they want. Focus on his positives = congratulate him for doing the bare minimum. Recognize that you have different expectations = lower your expectations of him and pick up the slack yourself. Work on yourself = you’re unreasonable for getting upset about this power structure. Have a spa day = pay for a day of pampering while you stress about doing 2 days’ worth of work tomorrow.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely true. I don’t understand why all of these types of groups say this.
      How is taking care of me going to make him appreciate me. It’s not.
      They don’t notice the things you want to be appreciated for so they damn sure won’t notice how lovely and nice you are now suppose to be!
      And yes they are lazy! Maybe not in their job but in their marriage oh Yes they are.

      • Nij

        They are very freaking lazy! I’m use to seeing the old school man, who could work out in the elements all day, then come home mow the lawn, wash cars, take out the trash, etc. before looking for a meal. Men these days want to work, come home, kick their feet up, and not help with the kids, and still want a hot meal. GTF outta here.

    • Mike

      As though this inappreciation never happens in reverse?!? You ladies need a better man, and I a better woman, if their behavior is driving us to this.

  • Jada

    I’m on the same page as the other women. My Husband and I both work full time jobs, however mine never ends. I come home cook ,clean, laundry, sons needs, father in laws needs, husbands needs… I don’t have time to sleep properly let alone take time out for a spa day or anything close to it.

  • Married A Man

    Hello,

    I invest in myself by working out regularly, hoping it will decrease stress, keep me healthy, and give me something good to do without clinging on to my husband. But then he often times interrupts my workouts by asking me questions that can wait and tells me I want to workout for attention from other people. (I work out AT HOME, in a room with the door closed.) Then he wants me to be able and willing and ready to do any and everything he’s seen other women do sexually on those ‘flicks’, but i can’t even ask him for a cup of coffee without him blowing hard and seething and fuming like he hates I even asked.

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