Ladies, listen up!

I have absolutely zero control of Casey and what he does in our marriage. I mean, at some level I can have a positive or negative influence with my choices and attitude, but overall, the only thing I can work on is myself. We often say, “If you want to build a better marriage, build a better you.” I’m always working on how I can be more spontaneous, a more loyal friend, and a safer place for my husband. I have to rest my head on my pillow each night and be ok with how I treated Casey throughout the day.

This is important so write this down! Your man wants you to be on his side. Find a way to let your husband know that you’re in his corner. You might show your loyalty by standing up for your guy when he feels the world is against him.  This adds a sense of teamwork, security, and intimacy to your relationship. Here are 5 specific things that all men want from their wife (and I’m constantly working on all of these myself).

Stop the Nagging

Men hate a woman who nags. And you know why? They feel like they’re 7 years old again being scolded by their mom. And for some reason, we like to point our what he did wrong or didn’t do good enough, even though he was trying his best to help us out. Instead of ranting and raving about them leaving their wet towel on the floor for the hundredth time this week, suck it up, bite your tongue and pick it up yourself.  This one’s a hard one for me personally, but I notice that when I stop the nagging, I get more respect from Casey. Find more effective ways to communicate your needs and sometimes you need to ask yourself, “Should I let this go?”

Show him respect

Research has proven time and time again that a man wants to feel respected by his wife. Men physically and emotionally cannot connect to a woman who disrespects him. Men gravitate to places where they get the most respect, and they run from places where they feel disrespected. Men are terrified of dishonor. Men who are honored and respected at home tend to live up to their wives’ expectations. Show him that you value what he values and let him know you support what he’s passionate about.

Initiate Sex

For those of you who are like me, where I’m only really in the mood every once in awhile, you need to make it a priority to initiate sex with your husband. Put a reminder on your phone. Ask a girlfriend to keep you accountable. Prepare the bedroom with candles, slip into some lingerie, and shave your legs! If you’re not in the mood, think about giving him oral sex or manual stimulation to please him. And it’s not just sex. Make an effort to show some physical affection towards him consistently by holding his hand, giving him a back rub and reaching for his leg.

Flirt with him during the day

Husbands want to know that they still have it and that they’re on your mind. Flirting with him throughout the day makes him feel desired, sexy, and loved. Send flirty texts, write love notes and stuff them in his lunchbox or briefcase, or make a surprise visit at his office with a his favorite coffee drink. If you’re around the house, squeeze his butt, invite him to join you in the shower, play footsies at the dinner table. We did all of these gestures when we were dating so don’t let it stop now that you’re married.

Give him time to unwind

All men deal with stress differently but the pressures that our society put on husbands and dads can be unbearable. Give your man time to unwind after work and on the weekends. Encourage him to spend time by himself or with friends so he can unwind, relax, unplug and rest. Find out what recharges him and allow him to unwind so he can be his best for you.

Point out his strengths

Did you know that many husband’s love language is Words of Affirmation?  Most people assume it’s physical touch, and while that one is popular amongst men too, husbands want to be told positive things about them. Speak words of affirmation and love to them daily. Start incorporating the 60 Second Blessing in your marriage. If he’s good in bed, tell him. If’s he an amazing father to your littles, thank him for being an involved dad. Bonus points: Bragging about your husband in public can also be a great way to encourage him and make him feel loved.

 


 

Marriage365 Challenge

I know that most of you can work on at least one of these ideas above. Don’t assume your husband won’t notice or appreciate it. Just do it! I challenge all of you awesome wives to pick one, comment below and let me know which one you are choosing to work on and I will write back in a week asking you how it went. I am personally choosing to initiate sex more.

Meygan Caston | Wife

 

Next steps… If you desire a healthy marriage, we encourage you to sign up for a FREE 7 day trial to NAKED CONVERSATIONS and join the thousands of couples experiencing a safe place to connect and grow in their relationship.  Click here to learn more.

 


 

Marriage365 exists to help couples connect – ALL couples. No matter what state your relationship is in, we’d be honored to be part of your journey to get (back) to happily ever after. Explore our recommended resources:

 

Tags:

130 thoughts

  • LaToja

    I have already cut back on nagging. Its really hard though. Now, I am going to try to do all these things starting tonight & into the weekend!!

  • Stephanie

    I am really good at showing him respect, but I could honestly work on ALL these. The one I want to focus on is the nagging. I’m really bad at that. Your statement in the intro, “going to bed at night being okay with how you treated Casey” really resonated with me.

  • Lily

    I would like to commit to initiating sex. I have recently improved in the flirting area and affirming my husband daily. …even if it’s just saying thank you. This goes a long way.

  • Eli29

    I love all these and I’ve been doing all these. But it just don’t seem to help. He is a big gamer and gets so involve in his phone I always try to initiate sex but it just back fires… I don’t want to give up. But he sometimes give me no choice I

    • Casey Caston

      Keep trying. Don’t give up. Buy some new lingerie, walk in the room while he is playing his game and stratal him. I’m not kidding. It’s time you do something dramatic to get his attention. You tell him you want him now, no exceptions. He will not turn you down with that! I will check in with you next week and see how you do. — Meygan

      • MB

        I have the opposite problem; I’m pretty much always “in the mood” and I get turned down for sex almost every time I try to initiate it. The last time, I was in the kitchen cooking in lingiere and an apron when he got out of the shower…all I got was a pat on the butt and a comment of “save it for the bedroom.” Needless to say I felt so rejected that there was no bedroom time later. It’s hard to keep trying when most efforts are shot down!

        • Jenn

          MB I feel the same. It hurts that all the marriage advice columns are directed at the society norm of “men just want sex.” Not my reality at all and the rejection is affecting all facets of my life 🙁

        • Meygan Caston

          YIKES! That is bad. I’m so sorry bc no one likes rejection. Have you asked him why he isn’t in the mood? Is he stressed at work?

    • Jo

      I have that same problem it’s the total opposite of most women. It is hard to feel so rejected. I can count on fingers nearly the times I’ve rejected my husbands initiatives yet there are sooo many times I’m rejected by him. Urgh!!

      • Meygan Caston

        I know it’s hard but try again. And if there is no response, have that tough conversation and let him know that you’ve been trying to work on things and you feel like he isn’t noticing.

      • Meygan Caston

        I’m sorry Jo. No one likes feeling rejected. Maybe it’s time to have that tough conversation with him letting him know how you feel.

  • YvonneV

    I’m working on giving him time to unwind <3 he always tries to go out with his friends and I get upset ruining the night for him. He isn't a guy who goes out every night and is irresponsible about it so there really is no reason for me to be upset other than jealousy. This I definitely need to fix.

  • Keisha

    Good article. This is all True. My husband and I have had good communication since we first started dating. He’ll tell me flat out if I ask. It is not easy but once you get it down life is a breeze.

  • Marcia

    I really need to work on giving him time to unwind. I’m going to give that my best effort this week.
    I’ll also try to do better at pointing out his strengths.
    Thanks for this challenge and your post!

    • Casey Caston

      You can even help him unwind by making the arrangements for him. So if he likes to watch football and drink a beer, set it up for him and leave the house for the afternoon. Or maybe schedule him a relaxation massage. Can’t wait to hear how it goes. — Meygan

  • Amanda

    Losing David time to unwind really stuck out to me. Sometimes I forget how bad he needs that after an incredibly long day and I instsntly want his full attention, help etc. I will challenge myself to be more aware of his need to unwind, especially because he is the introvert.

  • Anabelle

    I’m choosing nagging! I have it so bad. Since I was raised in a house where my mom and dad work fulltime so my mom had this equal mentality thinking. Not just that she make more than him but never for sure broth that up. It was just “we both work, why can’t you pick after yourself” so now I’m a newly wed and I notice I have the same habit of nagging maybe not as much as her but I sure nag on things like picking after himself. And we both work. I’m going to do my best this week! Thank You for sharing!!

  • Toni

    I am going to work on not nagging– I tend to do it most when the kids are around and that’s not good. He is my partner, I need to treat him with more respect!

  • Elizabeth

    This is an awesome list – thank you so much for sharing. I really needed to read this. Very eye opening! I plan on initiating sex with my husband more often. I think we will both appreciate it!

  • Grace

    I’m going to work on telling him his strengths! He always tells me he wishes I would tell him what he does right instead of wrong so I see this as an amazing opportunity. Thanks for the amazing post!

  • Angelina

    I need to work on all of these although I have started trying to initiate sex more and my nagging seems to have lessened.
    I need to show more respect and concentrate on showing and appreciating my husbands strengths as I’m used to being independent and getting things done myself.

  • Ivonne

    What if he is the nagger? I learned not to nag long ago but yet he does. I initiate sex every time, he does not ever initiate sex. I have asked him to and still he doesn’t. I flirt with him during the day tell him how attractive he is and send him pictures of myself to entice him to put ME in his thoughts. I learned this many years ago also. Yet he doesn’t do it to me. I give him time to unwind when he gets home. He likes to roam around the garden to unwind from his day. He does this every single day. I work also and you want to know what I am doing while he is unwinding…..I am working out in my living room to T25 then cooking dinner and picking up around the house at the same time maybe throwing a load in, etc. When he finally comes in I’ve already done all that, he eats doesn’t do the dishes because that’s my son’s job at our house, then he’s ready for a shower and bed. While now I feel the need to unwind slow down and relax. So all this leaves me with showing him respect and supporting his passions. The way I show him respect is by doing all he tells me to do, cook without salt, don’t have any friends, do everything with him, take a shower with him daily, pay half of all the bills and handle them, don’t open HIS mail do what he wants to do, etc……. Then support I don’t get any. I’m in the middle of a custody battle and he doesn’t even request time off of work so that I won’t go to court that day by myself. They way I show him support is when he shares unfairness done to him at work, I still up for him and show him I am on his side. He instead with me points out what I am doing wrong and how wrong I am. I need guidance here. I am in lost territory. Everything I have learned about how to be a good wife has backfired on me and now I feel like the man in the relationship. Can you please give me some guidance?

    • Monica

      Meygan, thank you so much for a great post. I am a work in progress wife and really will try this week to implement your suggestions. My plan is to read this post every day for a week as a daily reminder.
      I also wanted to just give a little support reply to Ivonne’s request for help. I do hope that is okay. Ivonne, I’m so sorry you are struggling right now, and want to tell you how much I am in awe of all that you do for your marriage daily! I hope you aren’t offended if I offer a tiny bit of advice. You are working so very hard, but I didn’t read anything about replenishing activities that you do for yourself. I know for me I would find it impossible to give as you described without having time/activities every day that are just for me. I know others might disagree, but I would consider taking time for myself daily EVEN if it meant doing less around the house. I’m sure your husband is a great man, and wants you to be happy. My husband has told me in the past when I worked so hard that I wasn’t happy he felt overwhelmed and unsuccessful – so he sort of gave up trying his best as a result. Now, I try to do a few good things for myself every day – it can be hard, but I think I’m a better wife when I do. My husband also loves that I’m happier now, and it has really helped us. Wishing you all the best – Monica

    • Kate

      Ivvone – I understand your position. It sounds like there are communication issues. Have you and your husband ever considered marriage counseling? It might help you both to communicate in a way you hear what each other wants. Or if he won’t go yet, try going to a counselor by yourself. It’s incredibly helpful 🙂

      • Ivonne

        Kate thank you for your response. I am going to counseling at my church. This is my second time by myself. He had agreed to going this time as well. But that’s exactly it he says he is going to go but doesn’t ever do it. He has told me numerous times that I am the one who needs it, he doesn’t. That if only I don’t do this or that or say this or that then we would be fine. I am losing all hope. I feel like I don’t even know what to do or say anymore. My counselor knows this is my second time going to counseling and she feels like we both need to attend not just only the church counseling but also to professional counselor as well. I agree with you that it is definitely a communication problem with us. He doesn’t understand anything the way I say things. He wants me to speak differently and I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what I am doing wrong?

  • Monique

    I’m going to initiate sex more we just had a baby 2 months ago (need I say more) but I know that he really needs it. I like how you gave other options on how to please your mate, I’m going to try this. Wish me luck!

  • Lisa

    I’m going to work on 2, I think they go hand in hand. Stop nagging and show respect. After some things that have happened these are 2 things that are very hard for me right now. And he’s really trying to make things better.

  • Traci

    I am going to work on flirting with him during the day. With 2 littles, a part-time job, a direct sales job, and him being a pastor, we are pulled in a lot of different directions. My 1st instinct when we talk is to discuss business, household stuff, kids, etc. I am going to work on ways to make contact with him throughout the day and when I/he get home that are flirtatious and fun instead of straight to business.

  • Jasmine

    OMG!! I do all of these things. I’m not being a good wife. My husband and I argue all the time. He tells me that he doesn’t feel respected and valued. I don’t send up for him like I should. Im very afraid that I’m going to lose him. I want our marriage to work. I’m going to work hard on doing all that you have suggested. Thanks so much.

    • Meygan Caston

      Jasmine, give yourself some grace and start implementing one of these above things. Maybe start with respect since that is what most men crave the most. You can do it!!!

  • aynsley

    Just asked my husband if i nag (because i’ve always been determined not to be a nag) he said “no! You just get irritated”. Bwahahahaha. Guess i should work on that bit.

  • Greg

    I noticed many of the wives commented that they would start trying to initiate sex. While that is great, please don’t forget the second thing mentioned in this post…show him respect. I love my wife dearly although she tends to nag and not show me much respect. Therefore things have been tough. She tried to initiate sex for a change to try to help my mood, I suppose. However, since I was not feeling respected, I did not receive her advances well and she felt rejected. Needless to say a new set of issues evolved. I guess my point is make sure you are showing him respect first. Otherwise your good intentions may backfire and lead to new problems.

  • Tamika

    I’m going to work on doing less nagging and initiating sex. After chasing our 3 and 1 year old boys all day, sex is usually the last thing on my mind unfortunately.

  • Lisa

    I need to work on giving my husband time to unwind! I used to be a huge nag but have worked that out over the years (actually we’ve kind of worked it out together), and he’s a great husband and father who works so hard for our family, so it’s not hard to show him respect and remind him of his value. We have three daughters ages 5, 2.5, and 9 months, so I do lean on him quite heavily a lot of the time. He’s very creative, likes to build things and play music, and I know he would appreciate more time to spend on those activities!

  • Carol Rayos

    I really need to work on ask of them. I would like to be able to point out one but I think it would be good to do all. It is kind of hard to have a non chaotic marriage with 5 kids in the house. I really want to work on these. Thanks

    • Meygan Caston

      How did it go Sharleen? Were you able to nag less? And I really encourage you to let your husband know that you feel rejected when you initiate sex and he doesn’t want it.

  • Sheri

    I totally need to give him time to unwind – he is under a lot of stress with his career and I don’t help by demanding his time the minute he walks through the door- or being honest, before he is even in the door!

  • Jes

    I am going to work on pointing out his strengths & letting him unwind. Sometimes I’ll go to point out a one of his strengths, then he’ll say say something that will rub me the wrong way then I don’t.

  • jessica

    I have to work on his love language which is affirmations and touch I’m NOT a touchy affectionate woman but he is a touchy affectionate man so that and building him up with my words.

  • Valerie B.

    I have been trying not to nag to him lately, which is the hardest thing for me to do. I have been doing so good but then I lost it a few nights ago. I felt horrible and I still feel horrible after apologizing forever the next day. I also been encouraging him to rebuild his relationship with his two dau, which is working somedays and some days not so much. I also been trying to initiate sex, which is epic failure because I am prone to migraines this time of the year and if its not a migraine its a strong headache. How do I work past my pounding headache to enjoy much needed one on one time with my husband? This is my biggest struggle so far in our marriage.

  • Lisa

    I’m going to work on the nagging. He does tend to leave stuff lying around and I will walk in from work and start ranting. I want to do better because I can tell he withdraws when I nag.

  • Yvonne

    A note about initiating sex and being told I’m tired — my hubs and I have been married 30+ years. I really don’t care for morning sex, but I know that’s HIS best time. So – I make a point of initiating more during HIS best time and my chances of being rejected fall dramatically. Try coupling (no pun intended) that with NOT FEELING like you are being rebuffed. Try finding HIS time and even if it’s not YOUR time, you will feel much better for it. And then, if YOUR time is at night, he’s more likely to return the favor. 🙂

  • Julissa

    Hi … I just want to know why I’m not in the mood. When my husband wants sex. I’m so lost because in order for me feel anything I would have to imagine something else. My situation is more deeper but I’m very frustrated. I am a believer and need more help.

  • Ashley

    I don’t know what to do about my low libido. I try so hard to do everything I can and even when we are doing it consistantly, it is rarely enjoyable for me. I could never say that to my husband tho Bc I love him and want him to feel like a man and that his wife desires him. It’s been a really hard struggle for me for quite a while now if you have no other advice, prayer would be much appreciated. Thank you

  • Cilla W.

    First off I want to say thank you for this amazing blog 🙂 and I love your wisdom here.
    I had a few questions and I would love to hear your answers my marriage is on the rocks in a desperate need of help before it’s too late. One of the challenges for me is to not nag my husband . you see we both used to have similar goals for our family marriage we even have a similar career 🙂 we were both youth pastors. Our heart with the help people go to the next level in their personal lives and their relationships 🙂 is. However over time my husband decided to make a career change to fulfill a dream of his which is to own his own business 🙂 he’s excelling at it is going amazing however he is so busy that he barely has time or energy . His business it’s excelling , however he’s levels of stress are extreme! .he seems to be constant however over time and with changes of our lifestyle and choices that we’ve made we are in two different places. My husband now owns his own business it’s excelling, however he has extreme levels of stress & he says he has depression . He seems irritated with me and little to no sexual desire. He is an amazing father to our 3 beautiful daughters he spends tons of quality time with them because he does not want to be a father like his dad was to him never around but always working. The sad part is is he’s losing me I try my hardest to be honest open and loving with him then he thinks it’s controlling. You see he’s dealing with an addiction to alcohol many times I’ve tried to be gracious cheer him on and be in his corner because I know that’s what he really needs is to be loved 🙂 however whenever I share my heart I am shut down crashed and told I’m crazy. How how do I honor someone like this and how do I stay in a marriage like this? cheer him on and be in his corner because I know that’s what he really needs is to be loved 🙂 however whenever I share my heart I am shut down crashed and told I’m crazy. How how do I honor someone like this and how do I stay in a marriage like this ? Is there hope?

  • India

    My problem is that when I stop nagging about stuff, my husband takes that as his opportunity to get comfortable. It doesn’t inspire improvement. What’s the next step?

  • MrsTru

    I am going to choose to give him time to unwind. Although he has few friends and most of them are “players”
    He is the go to guy.. All his friends look up to him. He influences his friends. So befor I really figured out this about him and his friends I did not still don’t like him going out. I do trust he would not ever cheat on me so I don’t know what my worry is. I’m going to work on allowing him to go out with the guys without me fussing and guilt tripping him befor he leaves. He does work hard and outside of work we are connected at the hips. So for me, for us this will be a good one.

  • Nicole

    Thank You so much for writing this. I have been looking for Christian books or articles on how to understand my husband better.
    Your marriage advice rocks! I pray you and your hubby continue to be blessed in your marriage and inspired to write more about marriage.

    Thanks again!

  • Christen

    My husband and I are currently separated, but working on ourselves and our marriage through counseling and therapy. So this week I am going to really focus on Words of Affirmation (which happens to be his #1 love language). Thanks for the article and helpful reminders!

  • Rose

    I am going to try to initiate sex more. My husband has asked me many times to initiate it but it is really hard when at the end of the day, the kids are asleep, finally winding down…I just want to go to sleep. I’m going to try it! Wish me luck!

  • Lynae

    I’m going to work on initiating sex more often. I’m a stay at home mom and my hubby works nights so it’s hard for us to have intimacy throughout the week. My goal is to wake up earlier in the mornings so I can surprise him with a nice welcoming when he gets home before the little one wakes up.

  • Kyle

    I am not the demographic for this article, because a.) I’m not a woman and b.) I’m not yet married, however I would like to challenge some of the advice offered, from a man’s perspective. If I ever found myself in a marriage where my wife was afraid to challenge me (for fear of disrespect or nagging) and was willing to initiate sex when not desired I would be extremely sad. Neither person in the marriage is perfect and as partners you should feel able to be open and honest about each other’s strengths, weaknesses, desires (or non-desires)…all for the purpose of making you stronger as individuals AND as a couple building a life together. You’re all smart, beautiful and capable women – don’t be any less than that just to satisfy your husband. Anyhow, that is just one person’s advice as is the advice offered in the blog post. Take it for what it is.

  • P Kristin

    I worry my husband isn’t happy, but he is non confrontational and very laid back so I am would not tell me. I am a strong willed woman raised by a strong willed single mother so I didn’t see my mother needing to respect another person in a marriage. What are some suggestions on how to best show him respect?

  • Vanessa

    I know he would like the more sex but I have a hard time being in the mood to be around him when he’s in a bad mood or if he’s in a good mood he will usually end the day with a mean comment attacking my spirit resulting me not wanting to be anywhere close to him. I’ve tried to suck it up and just do it but I feel like I’m just going through the actions to only please him and I get nothing out of it. I fear that I don’t like the negative condescending person he has become. I know work and kid stress are his triggers but I hate that I can’t guarantee any time away from them as he is always on call to fix IT work problems at home. I’ve told him if work makes you so angry don’t answer the calls and he replays I have to take these calls.

  • Jen

    What done donor the “unwind” time is everyday after work and any day he’s off? He does spend a few minutes here and there with us but for the most part he’s always gaming. I’ve brought it up to him, explaining that I feel lonely but it feels like he always turns it around like I’m asking him to give it up completely. Which I’m not. I just want a little balance. Even when he says he’ll get off or give me a whole day with him, he ends up gaming. Any advice?

  • T. F.

    I must admit I am frustrated that when I do these things I still end up with the short end of the stick in that I get treated in an unloving manner and it makes me not want to continue. I get lied to and he flirts with other women when he knows how it makes me feel. I ask him to help relationship by praying with me and reading with me and he looks at me like what are you talking about. I’m growing weary…we’ve dealt with this for years and I thought after going through some life groups through church we were better but found out we are not past those things. What can I do to move past and trust my husband after all of these things have been said and done? Am I supposed to continue doing these until I die when sometimes it looks like he doesn’t have a clue or care about me?

Leave a Reply